Wait—Are You Outsourcing Your Life?
- Eat Well Feel Well Live Well
- Aug 23
- 6 min read
Author: Eat Well · Feel Well · Live Well Editorial Team
“Because so-and-so said I should.”
Sometimes, this is the answer we hear when we ask someone why they made a particular decision.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with seeking advice. We can learn from someone with greater knowledge, listen to those with relevant experience, or entrust work we cannot do ourselves to a specialist. Asking for help instead of carrying everything alone is an essential part of life.
But what happens when we hand over not only the task, but also the thinking, the choosing, and the responsibility for whatever follows?
At that point, we may no longer be seeking advice. We may be outsourcing our life.
Delegating Is Not the Same as Surrendering Control
When a business hires an external specialist, it does not normally hand over its ultimate purpose or direction along with the work.
We consult an accountant on tax matters, seek legal advice from a lawyer, and hire a web professional to build a website. Yet it remains the business owner’s responsibility to decide why the company exists and where it is going.
Life works the same way.
We can draw on other people’s knowledge and skills. We can ask someone to teach us what we do not know or help us see a situation from another perspective when we feel uncertain.
But we cannot hand over the decisions about what truly matters to us, which burdens we are willing to carry, or what we would protect even at the cost of losing something else.
The same decision may look identical from the outside, but it is the person living with it whose daily life will change—who will spend the time and money, and bear the emotional consequences.
Seeking advice gives us more information with which to make a decision.
Outsourcing a decision means allowing someone else to become the owner of that decision.
They may look similar, but they are fundamentally different.
“Because They Told Me To” Can Become a Way to Avoid Responsibility
When we do not make the decision ourselves, it can feel as though we will be less hurt if it turns out to be wrong.
If things fail, we can say, “They recommended it.” If it does not work out, we can explain, “I only did what I was told.” By treating the decision as someone else’s rather than our own, we may appear to place some distance between ourselves and the responsibility.
But we cannot give up responsibility while keeping control of the decision.
When we stop thinking for ourselves, we hand over more than responsibility for a possible failure. We also surrender control over the direction of our life.
What can be even more complicated is what happens when the decision works out.
We may achieve the result we wanted and still feel that the life we are living is somehow not our own. The fact of success remains, but the sense that “I brought myself this far” does not. Even when we receive the desired outcome, it may not feel fulfilling if we did not participate in the process that led us there.
Deciding for Yourself Does Not Mean Refusing Everyone Else’s Advice
Living your own life does not mean making every decision alone.
On the contrary, it means gathering the perspectives you need, acknowledging what you do not know, and drawing on the wisdom of people with greater expertise. You then consider that advice in the context of your own circumstances and ultimately decide, “This is what I am going to do.”
Other people’s advice is not the decision itself. It is material that helps you make the decision.
That is why, even when we follow someone’s advice, we need a reason of our own for doing so.
Not, “I did it because they told me to,” but, “I listened to their advice and decided that it made sense for me at this point in my life.”
That small change returns ownership of the decision to us.
In self-determination theory, autonomy is identified as one of the basic psychological needs that support healthy motivation and growth. In this context, autonomy does not mean doing everything on your own. It means experiencing your actions as something you have willingly chosen and personally endorsed.
Receiving help and remaining autonomous are therefore entirely compatible.
We can think something through with another person. We can let someone encourage us. We can delegate the practical work. As long as we take ownership of the choice itself, we remain the subject of our own life.
Do Not Give Decision-Making Power to Someone Who Will Not Bear the Consequences
People can offer opinions about our lives with surprising ease.
You should take more risks. You should leave that job. You should get married. You should walk away. You should spend the money. You should not waste your time on that.
Yet if following their advice reduces our income, changes our way of life, or costs us a relationship, the person who offered the advice will not be the one living with that reality every day.
The person giving the opinion and the person living with its consequences are not the same.
That is why we need to draw a clear boundary.
I will not give decision-making power over my life to someone who will not bear responsibility for the life I must live.
This is not a reason to reject other people’s opinions. It is a boundary that prevents us from using someone else’s name in place of our own final judgment.
Making our own decisions does not guarantee that they will be right. We can think carefully and still fail. We may regret a choice after making it or change direction along the way.
Even so, when we have chosen the path ourselves, we can also find our own way forward after things go wrong.
We know why we made the choice. We can examine where we pushed ourselves too far, what we overlooked, and what we need to change next time. The experience remains ours to learn from.
Failure then becomes not a reason to blame someone else, but knowledge that helps shape our next decision.
Fulfilment Is Not Always Found in Making the Right Choice
When we imagine a fulfilling life, we tend to picture one that is happy, successful, and free from problems.
Yet fulfilment is not the same as happiness or success. It can exist during difficult times, and alongside sadness or anger.
We thought for ourselves. We hesitated. We chose. We endured. We worked. We failed. And when necessary, we began again.
When we take ownership of that entire process, perhaps that is when we can truly feel, “I am living my own life.”
Fulfilment is not proof that we have always made the right choices.
It is the feeling that we are actively participating in our own life.
A finished result may sometimes be achieved simply by following someone else’s instructions. But the judgment, conflict, ingenuity, and recovery involved in reaching it can only be gained by living through the process ourselves.
Because those experiences cannot easily be given to us from the outside, they cannot easily be taken away from us either.
Become the Subject of Your Own Life Again
After seeking someone’s advice, ask yourself one final question:
“What do I want to do?”
If you decide to follow their advice, try putting your own reason into words: “Why am I choosing this?”
Once you can answer that question, even the same decision is no longer a life directed by someone else. It becomes your life—a choice you have consciously made for yourself.
It is fine to rely on others. It is fine to draw on their wisdom and delegate the work that can be entrusted to someone else.
But have you also handed over the thinking, the choosing, and the responsibility for whatever follows?
When you are unsure, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
Have you outsourced your life?
References
Richard M. Ryan & Edward L. Deci, “Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being,” American Psychologist, 2000.
Edward L. Deci & Richard M. Ryan, “The ‘What’ and ‘Why’ of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior,” Psychological Inquiry, 2000.
